It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon…woke up late n felt a strange sense of loneliness…strange coz I havent felt like this in a while…probably coz dint get the time to think or sense it in a while. and loneliness that ive not experienced for the last few months. but a loneliness that ive known for years…one that makes me wonder about everything…myself, my journey so far and where I’m headed…
Weird as it may seem…no, today I don’t think its weird…it’s just about coming face to face with myself…a moment of truth…of reflection, inner self…and unlike other times ive felt this moment of truth, today I dint feel the feeling of confusion or emptiness, not guilt alone, not regret (alone about the things that went wrong)…for once I think I cud honestly accept myself the way I am…with all the scars and all the deformities…and also the beautiful shades of blue and white that I see within this life I’ve lived so far…serene and peaceful…full of gratitude to the universe for letting those things happen to me…to make me who I am today in this present…moment of truth…for some strange reason again, as I try to relive that moment in which I felt all of this( when I woke up this morning, afternoon rather), I find it hard to explain all of it in words…and even wonder if I really did feel all of it in that one moment or am I reading too much into it…:-)
I think I woke up early around 11am..called up my girl friend and rambled something to her which I don’t recall now, I do remember she told me something about how she wasn’t happy about my driving my car back home last nite. I agree…but I guess I didn’t have the heart to leave the car outside the pub we went to. I do feel that many times it’s the people around me, the ones who love me, are the ones who have a better judgement about whats good for me. And I wonder why I can’t do that for myself on such occasions…anyway, as I was woken up again by a call from the dvd store… had to return two dvds…one of which was eat pray love…been lying around for a week since we got it last weekend…on the first attempt at watching it, I went of to sleep… but remembered some portions I saw every time I woke up for a bit that time…so the dvd guy said he was gonna collect it in an hour…I felt the will to see it till he comes to pick it up…to see if I can make sense of the movie this time…I pulled out some snacks and ordered some thums up and cigarettes(my favourite soda in recent times) and got online and drifted thru my twitter and fb accounts to find nothing too exciting…thats when i felt the urge to write after long…
The rain has been incessant, perfect weather for coffee and reading, when I woke up I intended to do that too…except, as I was wandering around the house as I usually do when I wake up on a weekend, I read the paper sitting on the throne, looked out of the windows to see the lush green trees and plants in the building compound, made myself a milkshake as I felt hungry again… had drunk a bit more than I should have last nite I think.
So all the random ramblings I”ve done so far on this post bring me to the key conclusion for the day..or atleast for the moment: eat pray love…I guess they pretty much sum up all that we do as human beings on this lonely planet.
Eat- for obvious reasons. Though as we go up the food chain, we eat more to fulfill our mental craving than for our physical hunger. Pray to fulfill our spiritual hunger and desires of life and love to express our gratitude to others.
We do these three things almost as involuntary as we breathe…day in and day out…the reasons for hunger change, the reasons to pray change, the reasons to love also change with time. But more often than not, at any point in my life, I always are doing these three things. Hahaha! I almost am beginning to make sense of the title of the movie!! Not bad I say! And it has led me to write a blog again…very meaningful to me indeed!
The rain has begun to come down even more heavily…as I think more about the title of the movie, love stands out amongst the three as the most enigmatic for my life (as I guess for most people) …it’s forever made me wonder with it’s covert ways of functioning…almost like it’s center of operations are outside my own being. and hence so hard to control. When I’m in love, I am happy and when not, I’m in a kind of mourning that I cant even see myself. But when it happens I do indeed feel how the same world and the same eat and pray become more enjoyable.
As my mentor’s mentor Mr. Toda said:” Love is an undependable emotion”. I agree, it can truly deceive and sway one to dizzying heights of ecstasy and/or misery. Having experienced both on many occasions, I wonder why I still do feel love today or feel like loving always!?
Indeed, in the case of love for another person, I think it’s a feeling of gratitude towards them. Love, for one’s partner or family or friends, is a human being’s natural and involuntary manner of expressing gratitude. And that is probably why one feels a comfort and peace within while in love. Gratitude, for everything that person brings to our lives, some visible( as my girlfriend would happily agree!) but for the most part unseen by the eye and inexplicable by the mind. So why then do we end up losing our love for others? Or why do we fall out of love? And why do we not just revel in the love and be happy and satisfied with what we have? Why go back and forth like a pendulum as we live out our lives? I guess the thing about man-woman love is that its too much feeling and emotion stuffed together in a relatively small amout of time. And hence, when the euphoria gets over, one questions it’s very existence and value to one’s life. Indeed, love must be nurtured over time with lots of patience and care. concern for each other and letting go of the smaller ego within. But sadly, many people consider doing such things as a sign of losing themselves and their balance in life. I guess people who can do those things are the ones happily settled as family people; raise kids, go for family vacations, watch movies together at home eating proper food and not just junk and soda! I truly salute such men and women!
So I’ve been watching the movie while I’ve been writing, and its come to it’s expected hollywood movie end. But somehow, I liked what the Bali shrink/guru tells Julia: “Sometimes to lose balance for love…is part of living balanced life.” And also what Julia says with her V.O. at the end: ” In the end, I’ve come to believe something I call ‘the Physics of the Quest’. A force in nature, governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave everything behind, everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are trully willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared most of all-to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”
I too cant help but believe it, given my experience…So lets cross over!! Continue to Eat, pray and love!
Have a happy weekend people!! 
I agree but this is not always the case… another thing: what would you do if I had 3 billion dollar?